Freaks Macintosh Archive/Freaks Macintosh Archive.bin/Freaks Macintosh Archives/Textfiles/zines/DNA/DNAV1I5.sit/DNAV1I5/ARTICLE.013

Text File | 1993-11-02 | 6KB | 116 lines

                 More fun for beginning Meyhem Mongers

                                 By

                             Lord Patch



        It's that time again, kiddes (Yes Paz, I'm under deadline, BARELY!).  To
start off, I'd like to say I'm PISSED!  Mt damned car nearly blew up tonight.
Do not fret, this was not part of some nefarious plot to get your's truly, it
was just a worn-out timing belt.  But still, I'm PISSED!  Actually, that
probably means I'm going to write a better article (if I can ever figure this
damned program out!@#$), though I would like to keep it short this time.  Well,
covered alot of ground last time, but there are a few things I left out (got to
keep you coming back for more!), so let's jump right in.

        First off, I'd like to cover a few comon house-hold items you might have
laying around the house, things like:

        Key chains:  Many key chains make EXCELLENT self-defense items.  My good
fridn Mortis has one that he got from a store in a mall.  It's in the shape of
the Beast (From Beauty and the Beast), and fits excellantly in the hand, with
it's sharp little gotee right between the middle and index fingers.  That is
going to do ALOT of damage to someone when used properly!!  There was also one
made a while back in the shape of a cat.  When both fingers are inserted in the
eye-sockets, the ears fit perfectlt on the outsides of the first and seccond
fingers.  It's made of lightweight aluminium, and retails for about 5.00 to
8.00, find one!
        The old "self-defense" model key chain with the spikes is no longer in
production, and I believe might be illegal here in California, but there are
still a few of them floating around gun-shows and whatnot, you might give some
consideration to finding one of those for light-weight, easy to carry defense.
        Never discount a good, HEAVY ring of keys as defense.  You usually have
them at hand (or in pocket), and some people even carry them on a short length
of chain.  Maces and Morning-Stars have been effective weapons for hundreds of
years, never discount history!  Basically, and good, heavily weighted object, or
group of keys makes a good self-defense tool, give it some thought.

        Tools:  Many tools found around the house make EXCELLENT self-defense
items.  Hammers are GREAT, though a bit hard to explain when you have one in
your back pocket or backpack (I know from experience).  You might be able to
keep one in your car, but even that is a bit risky.  Screw-drivers are okay
(preferred by muggers on New York subways from what I hear.  Can anyone say
Bernard Getts?), but just like with knives, you may actually have to kill
someone when using it, and that's a NASTY way to go!  Also, having a sharpened
screwdriver in your posession is an AUTOMATIC trip to jail, be careful!  Other
things, like heavy files, levels, and other sundry hardware items are good,
though hard to explain (Carry a hard-hat in your backpack, and they won't give
you a seccond look).  A final note on tools;  Many times, people will carry a
few tools to use for defense (or, Lord forbid, to acutally BUILD something), and
have spent the night in jail for possessing "burgler's tools", so watch out with
tools.

        Towels:  All Hitchhikker's jokes aside, the towel IS useful for many
things:  You can put something heavy in it, and use it like a sap, You can
throw it at an attacker and run, You can wet it and use it like a club, or you
can dry-off with it (if it doesn't have TOO many blood stains on it).  Use your
imagination, you can come up with ALOT of uses for something like this.

        Newspapers and Magazines:  I wouldn't stake my LIFE one something like
this, but in many cases, haveing a rolled-up newspaper or magazine can be quite
comforting.  You CAN hit someone hard enough stop them cold with a rolled-up
magazine, and just THINK about the possibility of pelting someone with a Sunday
addition of the Los Angeles Times!  These things I would only reccomend this if
you had NOTHING else at hand, you're taking a BIG risk here.

        Bike Locks:  I'm talking about those big, heavy locks that are
supposidly un-breakable/pick proof.  They are sturdy, heavy, and do ALOT of
damage.  When used properly, they can be swung like a police batan.  And if you
ride a bike, you have the PERFECT excuse!  They're a bit awkward to get used to,
but once you do, look out!


        Cool thing to get this time:  Extendable Batans!  That's right you can
find them, mostly at gun-shows and whatnot.  They are basically a metal tube
with a telescoping stick inside (very similar to what Case used in the beginning
of Neuromancer).  The one I own actually has a hard steel spring inside, which
gives it alot of hitting power.  Most are very small when retracted, about six
inches or so, and extend to about a foot and a half.  You can even get ones that
are spring loaded!  But those are very illegal as well!

        Well, that's about it for this time around, I told you I was going to
keep it short.  If you have any questions, or want to contribute something for
my next article, or would like to know about a particular subject, let me know.
Email me at DNA Systems here in California.  I'd love to hear from you, just to
let me know how I'm doing (and to stoke my over-stuffed ego).  That's about all
I got for this time, hope to hear from everyone soon.


        I would like to thank a few people:  Vandal and Briteyes (my loving wife),

        Until then, this is your Uncle Patch, signing off....

                        -Lord Patch


Disclaimer:  All tatics and ideas published in this article may not be the
responsibility of the Author and Publisher of this magazine, and we are NOT
responsibility for anything you little psychopaths do with all this information.
blah...blah...blah, I know you've heard all this before, but we have to do it.